On motherhood
Mother’s Day hasn’t always been challenging for me. No, that’s been a more recent development over the years.
I love my mom. We have an amazing relationship, even if don’t see eye-to-eye on some things (including me being public with how I identity, but that’s a conversation for another day). I love my stepmom, too. Again, even despite our differences.
I’ve known I wanted to adopt since I was about 18. “There are so many kids who need families.” It made it easier to justify to family and others saying it that way… The savior mentality. It’s easier to accept a woman doing a “good” thing than accept that she doesn’t have interest in being pregnant. That she isn’t sure she wants an infant. Get married; become a mother; raise a family. It’s what pretty much every woman is told and taught. That anything different is wrong.
Fast forward to my endometriosis diagnosis — which isn’t something that would prohibit me from being a mother, or even having my own kids. Until I had my hysterectomy.
It was such a hard decision to make. Even though I already knew I didn’t really want to get pregnant, even though I knew I was more interested in adopting. Suddenly, the choice of whether I would have kids on my own was going to be made, and I couldn’t go back. No more freedom of just a “whoops” baby. Children were going to have to be every planned, expensively planned. Rather than just having a kid… someone else was going to have to decide if I was even fit to be a parent.
Losing that choice was just one factor that makes this day hard. I had been thinking of adoption for so long… actually making plans for it, in some ways or another. When I’d get registered with an agency, even when I’d go through the classes to become a foster parent. By the time I’m 25… by the time I’m 30… by the time I’m 35… Those years kept passing… and I was no where near starting a family.
So this Mother’s Day… as I’m a month away from turning 37. I’ll send my texts to my moms… and then just go on as if it’s just any other day. Focusing on all the good things, and try not to let the feelings of loss take hold.